Monday, May 2, 2011

Profound Discharge #12½ (Dan)

Hey shitbirds- it's been a while.

The reason that this is only Discharge #12½ is because I have two part-time jobs (landscape worker and liquor store clerk, in case you cared) that demand I work odd hours that leave me away from my computer. I promise you, a 13th official Discharge will be coming soon at some point. However,
today I have something of monumental importance to share with you that just couldn't fucking wait. And it's related to taking a shit, so naturally I'm a happier camper than usual.

The feeling of incomplete defecation- we've all been there. Whether it feels like a big load that comes out in a small amount of rabbit pellets, or is just a long fart followed by a thin baby loaf, it's a disappointment I could never truly articulate into words...UNTIL NOW. There is a real, 100% scientific, awesome Latin name for this phenomenon. I found it on the internet, so it has to be true, right? I swear on my mother that I didn't make it up:


Oh, I'm not fucking done.

Not only is rectal tenesmus the official term for that awful feeling that your shit wasn't as good as it could have been, it has a sibling.

You know that feeling you get after you've drank, like, 6 or 7 beers in a row and you've gotta pee pretty bad, but you're standing there pissing into the bushes and 'cause you're so loaded you think that it just wasn't as hearty of a piss as it could have been?

That feeling is called VESICAL TENESMUS.

Know it, loathe it- now you can put a name to it.
You're welcome.

-DH

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