Monday, February 21, 2011

Profound Discharge #12 (Chris)

It’s a well-documented fact that, like the snowflake myth, no two shits from any one person are the same. Well, it’s sort of a fact. It’s completely true if you totally disregard any dumps you take after Taco Bell, because they’re all the same consistency (hydrochloric acid) and they all make you feel like you’re going to die a slow, painful, poo-filled death. Much like those gangsters from Dogma.

Except you don’t have the benefit of adding Jay and Silent Bob to your gang beforehand.

Speaking of movies, they’re actually a pretty solid way to classify just how great a dump you just took. The more epic the movie, the greater the dump, down both ends of the spectrum. For example, that dump you take after Thanksgiving dinner? That’s pretty much Inception. You’re in for a wild ride that takes more twists than you might expect, but it’s still a fairly easy process to follow. By the time you’ve finished, you feel great, but you’re still not entirely sure that the whole experience was even real. You can look down into the toilet for proof, but the mass left there is too big to have come from one place… right?

“Oh god the top won’t stop spinning! Also, I ate all your leftover turkey.”

Then there are those dumps that aren’t quite as amazing as the post-Thanksgiving dinner one, but will probably make you feel pretty good while you’re pushing them out. And, they’ll often leave a rather impressive display in the porcelain assuming you don’t have to spring for two or three flushes. You’ll probably finding yourself celebrating these occasions after a nice Sunday night steak or something similar to that, where you eat a decent amount of good food, but not an overwhelming amount of great food. And yes, I am going to continue to plug just how awesome Thanksgiving dinner is. Only nine more months! In that regard, these dumps are a lot like the recent Tron remake. While you’re there, you feel totally awesome, and as soon as you’re done, you can’t help but be impressed by what you are witnessing. However, within half an hour, you start to feel a little bit empty, almost like you’re hungry again, or your particular dump had no plot. Extremely Tron-like.

Not Tron, but better than having to hang out with Steve Buscemi while you poop. And he’d want to.

Next up is the marathon shit. This dump just takes forever. It’s the kind of poop you take where you get up to wipe and realize that both your legs have fallen asleep as you instead tumble down to the linoleum floor, spreading the fecal decay that was left in your crack all over the place and interrupting any good mood you might be in for the next week. No, that hasn’t happened to me, I’m speculating. This dump is just like the movie Titanic. By the time you reach the fourth disc of the uncut version, you simply want the whole thing to end. You don’t care how or who has to die or what a technological masterpiece the boat/your indoor plumbing is, you just want it to be over. And, a lot like the scenario above where your legs are asleep, Titanic will ruin any good mood you might be for the next week.

This picture has no relevance to the article, it’s just hilarious, and better than a picture from Titanic.

The next poop doesn’t need a whole lot of explanation. It’s just your regular old solid good poop. It doesn’t take forever, but it takes long enough where you have a minute to reflect back on it and think about how awesome it is. Much like Jurassic Park. It’s just a good movie. Since I’m starting to get lazy, I’m just gonna leave it at that and move on to the next category.

Pictured: Not what I meant when I compared the movie to a dump.

Now we begin to reach a bit of a grey area. You’re on the can, doing your business like only you can, and just when you feel ready to push out that big log and clear the roads for business, you let rip a monstrous fart. It smells a little like bad eggs, and you allow yourself a chuckle. Soon afterwards, however, you knock out a couple of small ploppers, but not a whole lot more. At this point, you have no idea whether or not to take this dump seriously or not… just like the movie Dogma. Yes, I am referencing it for a second time in a single article, but at least I haven’t used the same picture three times like my seasoned pooping cohort Harlow has done. On one level, it’s a Kevin Smith movie, full of enough dick and fart jokes to make the average fifth grader’s head explode. On another level, however, it is actually a well-researched and, if you look past the aforementioned jokes, offers a rather interesting take on the nature of religion in the world today. It’s a movie that you don’t know whether or not to take seriously. Just like the dump.

Pope Carlin I… if only. Also, Pope kinda sounds like poop.

At this point, we’ve moved past the more benevolent bowel movements you can experience, and on to those that make you fear for the future of humanity. Or at least give you some sort of premonition that your future holds more brown goodness than you had anticipated. This first dump will almost remind you of Tron when it’s happening, and you will anticipate great things from it. However, afterwards, instead of feeling hungry, you will feel skeptical. Tron was visually stunning. This dump is, too, kind of, but in totally the wrong way. Like a cheesy 80s hack-n-slash. Like Nightmare on Elm Street. And you knew as soon as that movie ended that there were going to be terrible, terrible sequels. Just like you know with your dump.

Hopefully your dump doesn’t jump ship like Freddy Krueger did.

Next up is your standard beershit. Harlow’s article, which also included a picture of hot Bavarian chicks if you’re looking to fap (I know the audience of this blog), covered these dumps more in depth, so I’ll just make the movie analogy real quick. Volcano.

This movie should’ve been awesome.

Next up is the bad Nightmare on Elm Street. This is the dump you know is going to be terrible to begin with, and that you’re also going to be making multiple sacrifices that day. And that each one is going to provide hope that it’ll be the last one, only to announce roughly 25 minutes later that an “ALL NEW SEQUEL IS COMING SOON TO A BATHROOM STALL NEAR YOU!” I think at this point, you should realize what movie, or rather series of depressing motion pictures, this dump will be like. I’ll save you more brain-racking. It’s Saw. I could write an entire article about how terrible those movies are, but I’ll shave it down to a couple lines here. They’re really, really terrible. They’re up to seven movies for this so-called trilogy. At least when Hitchhiker’s Guide did it, it was still good at the end. These have never been good. God these dumps suck.

Preferable to seeing Saw: taking one of these up the ass. Maybe it’ll dislodge some more poo.

Alright, we’ve almost reached the end. These dumps are the worst. They’re terrible in the same way that the Inception dumps are good. You will find yourself drawn to recounting these dumps even as you try to banish their existence from your memory. These dumps are so terrible that they’re amazing in their own right. You need to tell people how amazingly terrible your dump was. You’ll consider taking a picture of it just for proof. You might have to flush four times. You might have trouble discerning what was urine and what was not. These dumps are amazingly awful. These dumps are Troll 2. If you’ve seen it, you know now exactly what I mean. If you haven’t seen it, I have a copy. I will watch it again.


And there you have it. You can now relate your dumps to friends and family through the use of movies, and thus reduce the grossness of your statements. Until you’re asked to explain. In that case, however, just point them here, and increase our traffic! Yeah! Finally, a small shout out to Bobbo for helping me come up with some of these movies.

Shown: the reason my continued existence is pending.