Saturday, December 4, 2010

Profound Discharge #11 (Dan)

Well, it's about that time of year again. No, not time to let that girl out of the pit in your basement- I'm talking about the holidays, of course! Usually this time of the year is spent with family you love and family you can somewhat tolerate.

I wouldn't look forward to hanging out with Uncle Buck either.

Usually, whenever me and my cousins wanted to escape hanging out with our older relatives, we'd sneak off one at a time to the basement (to not be suspicious) so we could play video games and throw action figures at each other. Now that we're all older and don't see each other at the holidays as much, I've had to come up with ways to get away from my older relatives and their borderline racist comments about "that black fella that you hang out with."

This is Dante and he's awesome.

So what I've come up with are routine bathroom breaks that my brother (not Dante- my actual brother) has dubbed, in honor of the holidays, Saintly Shits.

Saintly Shits are breaks to not necessarily do your business, but to just get the fudge out of dealing with your relatives for about 7 or 8 minutes at a time every hour. And when I say every hour, I mean every hour. Unfortunately, this means that in order make the facade believable you have to stay hydrated. Which is fine because sometimes you want to give yourself a treat by sitting down when you pee.

Boy, that must be one relieving piss!

In the periods of pleasantry when you're in the bathroom, you don't even have to do yer doody. Half the time when I'm in there, I catch up on the progress I've made in trying to read James Joyce's Ulysses again. Or I'm texting.

Once you fight your way through dinner with the help of the Saintly Shits method, you can escape to the basement until you get called back up for dessert.

A delicious reward for dealing with your family.


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