Tuesday, November 2, 2010

Profound Discharge #10 (Chris)

Thank you. You know who you are. And believe me, you are thanked by those who empty their bowels around the world. I’m speaking, of course, to the people who kindly leave reading materials within arm’s length of the toilets in their homes. These people truly understand the mundane nature of taking another dump. Plus, I’m fairly certain that if I ever send Bob another text from the crapper, it’ll be the last thing I do.

Pictured: the last thing I’ll ever see. And yes, he will show up with a beer in hand.

These people, the angels of society, can, with one simple gesture, turn taking a dump from the least productive time in one’s life to one of the most productive times. There are a couple different types of reading materials that people tend to live in the bathroom. The most common is old magazines. While they are sometimes not the most interesting pieces of reading (we all know the Mets lose the 2000 Subway Series), they are still extremely useful for passing the time.

Living Mets legend Benny Agbayani.

Even better, however, are those people who will leave some sort of book designed for this exact purpose. For those of you who are confused, yes, there are actually works of literature floating around out there compiled specifically to be left around the commode. These books are generally just a haphazardly thrown-together assortment of random facts and mini-stories that don’t form anything close to a cohesive plot, but good lord can they be entertaining. Did you know that the first known contraceptive was crocodile dung, used by the Egyptians some 4000 years ago? Well now you do.

Slightly more expensive than Trojans.

It’s almost like Christmas when you head over to some new place you’ve never before been, and find one of these gems waiting for you. Granted, the gift you give in return is even worse than coal, but at least it’s not going in someone’s stocking… normally. If you get lucky enough to run into someone who does this, and are comfortable enough with them to discuss scatological matters, please please please for the love of all that is holy thank them.

Scatological matters in the 1920s.

Consider doing something similar for your own bathroom. When people visit you, they will appreciate it nearly as much as you appreciate when other people do. Not quite as much though, because chances are they don’t visit a poop blog. These are especially helpful after a night of eating at a nearby Arby’s, and then going…anywhere.


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