Saturday, October 9, 2010

Profound Discharge #9 (Dan)

As I'm sitting here, typing this out, I'm at home, drunk off my balls, watching Comedy Central and chomping on a Grilled Stuffed Burrito from the unholy eatery known as Taco Bell. Mid-bite, I have now realized that in about 3 hours, I'll probably be feeding the Porcelain Lord his brown sacrifice.

Roughly $9.47 worth of bad decisions...delicious bad decisions.

And that got me to thinking: which eatery gives you the worst possible shits, despite that temporary food satisfaction? I've got it on a list of stars. One star means that you'll be thinking to yourself "Oh, this is a normal shit. This isn't that bad." Five stars is "SWEET MOTHER OF CHRIST IT'S LIKE A FIRE HOSE SPRAYING UNHOLY THINGS OUT OF MY ASSHOLE."

This is the third time I've used this image, but fuck you- it's useful.

Let's see where your favorite place lies on the scale!

McDonald's: * * *
Let's kick it off with the head honcho of the fast food world. When I used to do construction work, near our sites there would be a fast food place, usually a McDonald's, so I'm an unofficial expert on their value menu. If you stick with their "burgers" (most of the menu) you won't experience too bad of a pooping episode. However, their chicken and newer Angus-sponsored items will make you beg the Lord for mercy to relieve you of the pain your anus is delivering you. The fact that Angus would put their stamp of approval on these abominations is abhorrent.

Wendy's: * * * *
Literally everything on the menu at Wendy's is coated in delicious, salty, tangy grease. Even the Buffalo Chicken Tenders. And that's where they get you- as tasty as it is, your shit will have the consistency (but not color) of extra pulpy orange juice. Fuck you, Dave Thomas.

Burger King: * * 1/2
The burgers at Burger King are actual 100% beef (I'm not lying- I asked to see a package the patties came in) and they're cooked well to well-done, so there's no worry about their burgers getting you sick at any point. Their chicken tenders/sandwiches taste like rubber, but you won't get sick off of them. The big killer are their fries- artificially grown potatoes with artificial salt (Mrs. Dash, not real salt). And for me, fries are a big part of the fast food experience, so that instantly tacks on another star to their score.

Checkers: * * * 1/2
I have only 4 words for you: bacon cheddar cheese fries.

Chick-fil-A: *
This is entry is a bit different because it's region exclusive. Chick-fil-A is almost only in the South and a few stray places in Maryland and New Jersey. It's one of the few reasons I regret not still living in Georgia- it is to the South what Stewart's is to upstate New York. Everything on their menu is fried in natural peanut oil and is comprised of systematically, perfectly cooked chicken. Their lemonade is literally just lemon juice/pulp, water and sugar. I put that single star up there for the simple fact that I can't fucking drink lemonade- lemon and oranges make me shit water for days no matter what I do.

KFC: * * * 1/2
I know that it's incredibly white trash of me to admit this, but I don't give a damn: I love KFC. I genuinely love it more than certain members of my family. The chicken skin with the spices...[wipes away drool]...if they sold that stuff by the bucket, that would be my last meal if I was on Death Row. That being said, the sides are what kill you. The potatoes- that white mound of gravy soaked clouds come out of your ass as white as snow (which is horrifying- YOUR POOP SHOULD NOT BE WHITE). The biscuits- hockey puck shaped things so buttery and wonderful quickly turn into lesser demons Satan has sent to gnaw at your innards. I could go on, but I think you get the idea- chicken good, side dishes bad. Same rules apply to Church's Chicken joints and Popeye's.

Taco Bell: * * * * 1/2
It's Americanized Mexican food. It'll make anyone crap their drawers within a few hours after consumption. The only saving grace on the menu are those Cinnamon Twist thingies. Those don't make you shit yourself and when you're drunk, they taste as heavenly as an angel's twat.

White Castle: no stars
You think I'm kidding, right? Nope. I've been stoned so bad I swore I could feel my teeth breathing, eaten a full Crave Case with fries, and woken up the next morning to have a perfectly normal poop of slightly above average size and consistency. You'll just have a stomach ache because of how much food your dumb, stoned/drunk ass just ate. Of course, this was back when I did drugs every weekend and drank like a fish, so naturally I enjoyed eating really terrible food. These days, I can't fathom ever eating at White Castle ever again.

Chipotle: * * * *
South Park got it right- it'll make you feel like you pooped so hard that your asshole tore itself in half.

Arby's: * * * * * 1/2
Name something on the Arby's menu that won't make you unleash an amount of feces to rival the stuff described in the Book of Revelations- I dare you. I double dare you. Wait- I'm gonna go grade school on this- I TRIPLE DOG DARE YOU. The extra half star on the perfect score is simply to remind you that you were stupid enough to eat at a goddamn motherfucking Arby's.

Hope this helps you in your food-oriented endeavors, folks. Now I think I'm gonna take a Taco Bell approved megadump and have another beer.

-DH

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