Sunday, September 12, 2010

Profound Discharge #8 (Chris)

Liquorshits are a troublesome beast indeed. In fact, all alcohol-related defecation festivities are far from a joy, minus the waves of relief that wash over you like Katrina aftermath. If that was too soon, then go to hell.

However, not all liquorshits are created equally. Certain liquors will give your bowels a worse runaround than others will. Since Dan so eloquently covered the majestic powers of beershits, please bear with me as I try to run through some of the more common liquorshits.

Probably the most infamous of the liquorshits is the whiskeyshit. Jack Daniels is the usual culprit, but far from the worst of the perpetrators. If you really want to feel some pooey magic, then you’ll have to imbibe some Wild Turkey. That stuff will make you feel like that dude from The Meaning of Life right after he eats that wafer-thin mint.

For those of you unfamiliar with the analogy, he explodes.

But, the point stands that your morning after will feel more hectic than a maybe-preggo chick’s. You’ll wake up and literally fly to the bathroom, which you will look back in hindsight as a fairly amazing accomplishment, considering the destruction you just left in the toilet bowl. Anyways, you’ll plop your buttocks firmly on the seat, hopefully with at least a quarter roll of TP close by, and all Hiroshima will break loose. Whiskeyshits actually have cemented themselves as the most-beershit-like of all liquorshits, so if you’re used to beershits in the morning, then these will not be much of a departure.

Rumshits are a slightly different beast. Actually, I take that back. Rumshits are an entirely different beast. Whereas whiskeyshits will have you running to the bathroom first thing, going “Oh god oh god ohgodohgodohgod” the entire way, rumshits will simply make you feel like you don’t want breakfast.

Unless, of course, there’s bacon involved.

So you’ll bum around your house for a while, watch some TV, catch up on the college football scores you missed. It’ll probably be around 12:30 and 1 when you’ll be sitting at your computer and all of a sudden get a somewhat familiar feeling. It’s coming. The poopin’ time is nigh. So then you bust your ass (although hopefully not literally) to the nearest commode and prepare to unleash Nagasaki on the unsuspecting porcelain. However, unlike those pesky whiskeyshits, these rumshits won’t leave you with streaks of fecal decay running down your legs. Rumshits, while no less urgent than whiskeyshits, are a generally more solid output, and will bring a much more immediate feeling of relief than whiskeyshits.

The final type of liquorshit I’m gonna cover here is vodkashits. If I didn’t cover your favorite liquor, it breaks down like this. Tequilashits are generally nonexistent. If you have tequila, it’s coming making a round trip, no one-way ticket for that stuff. If you have scotchshits, you’re doing it wrong. And fuck gin.

Vodkashits may, at first, seem like the tamest of all the shits, but don’t be fooled by their mild beginnings. Vodkashits are kinda like Magikarp. They’re kinda useless and boring at first, but before you know it, you’ve essentially got a giant dragon worm firing out of your ass.

YOURASS used SPLASH! Nothing happened…

The morning after imbibing in an unnatural amount of vodka (don’t be ashamed, we’ve all had that night), you’ll rush to the bathroom much like the whiskeyshits. But you’ll only pump out a couple droppings before feeling better. So you’ll stand up, wipe away whatever tiny amount was left in your Grand Canyon, and head out to start your day. Except an hour later you feel like you have to shit again. So you do. There’s a little more, but nothing to be concerned about. And then an hour later you have to shit again, and now it’s starting to get bad. Do you see where I’m going with this? Vodka, in all its Soviet glory, may actually be engineered to not allow capitalist Americans to get their necessary work done. Those Russians are clever bastards.

So there’s your liquorshits overview. If you disagree with me, piss off, and let me know about it in the comments, since all of you are registered blogspot users. All of you.

-CT