Monday, June 7, 2010

Profound Discharge #7 (Dan)

This is an ode to the most frequent form of shitting I produced as a college student: the beershit.

The beershit occurs usually the morning after a heavy drinking session. Your average college student is particularly vulnerable to the beershit, as is the entire nation of Ireland.

And to a lesser extent, Germany.

The beershit is a notoriously fickle, stubborn type of explosion. The morning after your heavy drinking session, and you're still wondering how you managed to walk all the way back to your apartment from some downtown bar safely, you feel dehydrated. You feel groggy. If you're lucky, you got laid and now feel a sense of shame and disgust.

More than anything, you feel like you have a giant water balloon made of poo and booze sitting right above your anus. It's one of those dire "I need to shit right now or bad things will happen" type of situations.

This is the go-to picture for said situation.

There is a rather large amount of toilet paper that gets used to clean up each fecal shotgun blast, so be prepared. On occasion, the relief will be so immense that your ankles will start shaking and sweating. Usually after you're done, your entire body will feel infinitely better immediately (it's like an anvil of malt and yeast has been magically evaporated from your intestines) and you're ready to start drinking again.

Usually, this cycle of drink/poo/relief is brought on solely by drinking beer. There are also whiskeyshits, but since I don't drink hard liquor anymore I'm not gonna write about it (Chris might- he's a big whiskey fan).

The beers to avoid drinking so you won't get incredibly nasty beershits are anything with "lite" in the title (Busch, Miller, Bud, etc.) and basically any form of malt liquor like Steele Reserve or Olde English. Stick with lagers, stouts and dark beer (Sam Adams, Guinness, Brooklyn Brown Lager, etc.) because the extra wheats and hops in them make them thicker, richer and not as liable to break down into a basic yeast/water combination that will mess with your bowels. I mean, it'll still break down to that eventually, but the results will not be as watery and acidic.

And thus, concludes my ode to the illustrious beershit.


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