Thursday, March 25, 2010

Profound Discharge #6 (Chris)

As someone who takes regular advantage of the porcelain god, I know there are many phrases that people can use to describe their need to defecate. I’ve used a number of them myself, usually when announcing my need to evacuate my bowels to a large group of people who have absolutely no interest in the matter (their loss). Some of the most infamous include “droppin’ a deuce”, “pushin’ out some food babies”, “dropping the Cosby kids off at the pool”, and “taking the Browns to the Super Bowl.” I am here to discuss the final of these.

Taking the Browns to the Super Bowl is a phrase heavily discussed between myself and housemate/resident cheapskate Danny “Jewbot” Rosenhaus. Usually, this discussion boils down to the validity of the phrase as a means for describing actually going to the bathroom. We have come to the consensus that the phrase should actually imply quite the opposite – trying to go to the bathroom but always managing to find new and hilarious ways to fail to do so. As such, taking the Browns to the Super Bowl should be a code phrase for constipation.

This is actually a Browns highlight from the last couple of years.

The Browns, in fact, have never actually been in the Super Bowl. Sure, they won some NFL Championships back in the 1950s before we had the Super Bowl, but since the advent of the biggest sporting event of the year in 1967, the Browns have been the complete portrait of failure. They’ve managed to do worse than the Buffalo Bills, which is actually an accomplishment.

The Browns are actually worse than this.

In conclusion, next time you’ve gotta sacrifice your digested eats to the porcelain god and feel the need to tell everyone around you your plans for doing so, stay away from taking the Browns to the Super Bowl. You’ll end up sitting there for a long time doing nothing. Maybe you’ll fall in. That would be a hilarious way to fail.

-CT

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