Tuesday, March 16, 2010

Profound Discharge #5 (Dan)

Throughout the history of popular culture, whether it's books, movies or music, there have been some incredibly memorable bathroom barons. Really- within the past 10 or 15 years, there has been a litany of amazing poo jokes seen in modern media. Without further ado, here are the 5 greatest people/characters to ever take a shit in the history of popular culture:

The 5 Greatest Shitters In Pop Culture History

#5: Charles Bukowski, legendary author and poet

If you've read anything that Bukowski has ever written, you know that the only thing that he loved more than drinking, psychedelics and fucking was taking a gigantic, satisfying dump. Chuck kicks off this list by being included, not just because he was the literary world's equivalent of a "man's man" after the death of the great Ernest Hemingway, but because of a quote. And it's one hell of a quote. It's a damned fine quote that anybody that's ever had at least one night of heavy drinking can relate to:

"There was nothing really as glorious as a good beer shit - I mean after drinking twenty or twenty-five beers the night before. The odor of a beer shit like that spread all around and stayed for a good hour-and-a-half. It made you realize that you were really alive.”

Now that's a quote you can set your watch to.

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#4: The Golgothan Shit Demon, from the film Dogma

Chris and I are both hardcore Kevin Smith fanboys, so this one is kind of a cheat. But really- it's a giant Satanic poop monster that flings lethal nuggets at people! He also spouts one of the worst lines I've ever heard in cinema:

"Not born, but shit into existence."

Before he gets killed by Silent Bob's portable Febreeze bottle, the Golgothan Shit Demon lays waste to a strip club by reducing almost everything in it to splinters. And that's before he covered everything in shit out of spite. Even before that, he mercilessly slaughters an entire gang of wannabe-Tupacs.

The Golgothan Shit Demon is so fucking hardcore that he makes Mr. Hanky look like Richard Simmons.

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#3: Slingblade, from the book/movie I Hope They Serve Beer In Hell by Tucker Max
(the guy in the picture is Jesse Bradford, who plays Slingblade in the IHTSBIH movie)

I've been a fan of Tucker Max's stories since my freshman year of college. Whether Max's stories of debauchery and decadence are completely fabricated and full of shit doesn't really matter; the main point is that I really really really wish I could meet his buddy, Slingblade.

Slingblade's humor is drier, sharper and even more caustic than Max's. With the interlude in the "Austin Road Trip" story, he truly cemented his position on this list. Long story short, Slingblade unleashes a load so enormous that it actually clogs a hotel toilet. Those toilets are designed to generate enough jet engine-esque pressure to suck a human infant headfirst through those pipes. And a skinny motherfucker like Slingblade made the toilet cower and shut down to the point where it "made demonic gurgling noises."

WOW.

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#2: Paul Finch, from the film American Pie

Paul Finch is a personal hero of mine. And, to be honest, my admiration of this character goes even past the fact that the first three American Pie movies are guilty pleasures in my DVD collection.

It was the very beginning of eighth grade, at another new school when my family and I had finished adjusting to living in Georgia. I was sitting with some people during lunch, trying to be the friendly new kid and make some friends, when I suddenly had to go to the bathroom. And it wasn't one of those "It's gonna be alright- hold it in until the bell rings and just go before class!" type of shits either. This was a dire "This excrement is exiting your body one way or another, bitch!" kind of poop. So I sped to the closest bathroom that was near the cafeteria- the one in the teacher's lounge. I went in, dumped, felt relief wash throughout my body, wiped, flushed and exited...only to have five teachers and one of the superintendents staring at me in horror. I was so incredibly embarrassed that I almost started crying. Thank god I didn't get in any trouble, but I also had to endure jokes about my bowel movements up until well after Halloween.

My parents finally allowed me to watch/rent R-rated movies on my own by the end of eighth grade, and that's when I finally got to watch movies like Dogma and American Pie. Upon first viewing Paul Finch's frantic sprint/shuffle into the closest available bathroom to take care of his sudden burst of diarrhea, it made me feel better about that shitty (no pun intended) start to a new school. Then seeing that Stiffler intentionally guided Finch into a girl's bathroom to do his business in simply made it even funnier.

So I salute the character Paul Finch, for making me feel better about my first "├╝ber dump" experience. And in the end, he got the best closure out of anyone in the movie- he fucked Stiffler's hot MILF of a mom.

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#1: Life In General

Yes, Life is the biggest shitter in the history of popular culture. Think about it- how many movies or books or stories have you encountered where nothing ever seems to go the main character's way for no logical reason? That's life, folks. And it happens on a daily basis, and it shits all over us.

Seriously, the opening of every Legend Of Zelda game we've ever played when we were kids set us up for life. It basically told us "Life will shit all over you on a whim. Here's a sword."

Life will take the largest dump you can fathom and have it be in any direction. Whether it's in matters of friends, family, finances, love, school, work, sex, physical appearance or even if it's just giving you a cancerAIDS hybrid through an apple you finished eating, life shits all over you whenever it wants.

Life shits all over fictional characters too. There ya go.

-DH

1 comment:

  1. #0.5 is Dan Smyth for breaking your house. You know it's true.

    ReplyDelete