Thursday, March 25, 2010

Profound Discharge #6 (Chris)

As someone who takes regular advantage of the porcelain god, I know there are many phrases that people can use to describe their need to defecate. I’ve used a number of them myself, usually when announcing my need to evacuate my bowels to a large group of people who have absolutely no interest in the matter (their loss). Some of the most infamous include “droppin’ a deuce”, “pushin’ out some food babies”, “dropping the Cosby kids off at the pool”, and “taking the Browns to the Super Bowl.” I am here to discuss the final of these.

Taking the Browns to the Super Bowl is a phrase heavily discussed between myself and housemate/resident cheapskate Danny “Jewbot” Rosenhaus. Usually, this discussion boils down to the validity of the phrase as a means for describing actually going to the bathroom. We have come to the consensus that the phrase should actually imply quite the opposite – trying to go to the bathroom but always managing to find new and hilarious ways to fail to do so. As such, taking the Browns to the Super Bowl should be a code phrase for constipation.

This is actually a Browns highlight from the last couple of years.

The Browns, in fact, have never actually been in the Super Bowl. Sure, they won some NFL Championships back in the 1950s before we had the Super Bowl, but since the advent of the biggest sporting event of the year in 1967, the Browns have been the complete portrait of failure. They’ve managed to do worse than the Buffalo Bills, which is actually an accomplishment.

The Browns are actually worse than this.

In conclusion, next time you’ve gotta sacrifice your digested eats to the porcelain god and feel the need to tell everyone around you your plans for doing so, stay away from taking the Browns to the Super Bowl. You’ll end up sitting there for a long time doing nothing. Maybe you’ll fall in. That would be a hilarious way to fail.


Tuesday, March 16, 2010

Profound Discharge #5 (Dan)

Throughout the history of popular culture, whether it's books, movies or music, there have been some incredibly memorable bathroom barons. Really- within the past 10 or 15 years, there has been a litany of amazing poo jokes seen in modern media. Without further ado, here are the 5 greatest people/characters to ever take a shit in the history of popular culture:

The 5 Greatest Shitters In Pop Culture History

#5: Charles Bukowski, legendary author and poet

If you've read anything that Bukowski has ever written, you know that the only thing that he loved more than drinking, psychedelics and fucking was taking a gigantic, satisfying dump. Chuck kicks off this list by being included, not just because he was the literary world's equivalent of a "man's man" after the death of the great Ernest Hemingway, but because of a quote. And it's one hell of a quote. It's a damned fine quote that anybody that's ever had at least one night of heavy drinking can relate to:

"There was nothing really as glorious as a good beer shit - I mean after drinking twenty or twenty-five beers the night before. The odor of a beer shit like that spread all around and stayed for a good hour-and-a-half. It made you realize that you were really alive.”

Now that's a quote you can set your watch to.

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#4: The Golgothan Shit Demon, from the film Dogma

Chris and I are both hardcore Kevin Smith fanboys, so this one is kind of a cheat. But really- it's a giant Satanic poop monster that flings lethal nuggets at people! He also spouts one of the worst lines I've ever heard in cinema:

"Not born, but shit into existence."

Before he gets killed by Silent Bob's portable Febreeze bottle, the Golgothan Shit Demon lays waste to a strip club by reducing almost everything in it to splinters. And that's before he covered everything in shit out of spite. Even before that, he mercilessly slaughters an entire gang of wannabe-Tupacs.

The Golgothan Shit Demon is so fucking hardcore that he makes Mr. Hanky look like Richard Simmons.

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#3: Slingblade, from the book/movie I Hope They Serve Beer In Hell by Tucker Max
(the guy in the picture is Jesse Bradford, who plays Slingblade in the IHTSBIH movie)

I've been a fan of Tucker Max's stories since my freshman year of college. Whether Max's stories of debauchery and decadence are completely fabricated and full of shit doesn't really matter; the main point is that I really really really wish I could meet his buddy, Slingblade.

Slingblade's humor is drier, sharper and even more caustic than Max's. With the interlude in the "Austin Road Trip" story, he truly cemented his position on this list. Long story short, Slingblade unleashes a load so enormous that it actually clogs a hotel toilet. Those toilets are designed to generate enough jet engine-esque pressure to suck a human infant headfirst through those pipes. And a skinny motherfucker like Slingblade made the toilet cower and shut down to the point where it "made demonic gurgling noises."


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#2: Paul Finch, from the film American Pie

Paul Finch is a personal hero of mine. And, to be honest, my admiration of this character goes even past the fact that the first three American Pie movies are guilty pleasures in my DVD collection.

It was the very beginning of eighth grade, at another new school when my family and I had finished adjusting to living in Georgia. I was sitting with some people during lunch, trying to be the friendly new kid and make some friends, when I suddenly had to go to the bathroom. And it wasn't one of those "It's gonna be alright- hold it in until the bell rings and just go before class!" type of shits either. This was a dire "This excrement is exiting your body one way or another, bitch!" kind of poop. So I sped to the closest bathroom that was near the cafeteria- the one in the teacher's lounge. I went in, dumped, felt relief wash throughout my body, wiped, flushed and exited...only to have five teachers and one of the superintendents staring at me in horror. I was so incredibly embarrassed that I almost started crying. Thank god I didn't get in any trouble, but I also had to endure jokes about my bowel movements up until well after Halloween.

My parents finally allowed me to watch/rent R-rated movies on my own by the end of eighth grade, and that's when I finally got to watch movies like Dogma and American Pie. Upon first viewing Paul Finch's frantic sprint/shuffle into the closest available bathroom to take care of his sudden burst of diarrhea, it made me feel better about that shitty (no pun intended) start to a new school. Then seeing that Stiffler intentionally guided Finch into a girl's bathroom to do his business in simply made it even funnier.

So I salute the character Paul Finch, for making me feel better about my first "├╝ber dump" experience. And in the end, he got the best closure out of anyone in the movie- he fucked Stiffler's hot MILF of a mom.

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#1: Life In General

Yes, Life is the biggest shitter in the history of popular culture. Think about it- how many movies or books or stories have you encountered where nothing ever seems to go the main character's way for no logical reason? That's life, folks. And it happens on a daily basis, and it shits all over us.

Seriously, the opening of every Legend Of Zelda game we've ever played when we were kids set us up for life. It basically told us "Life will shit all over you on a whim. Here's a sword."

Life will take the largest dump you can fathom and have it be in any direction. Whether it's in matters of friends, family, finances, love, school, work, sex, physical appearance or even if it's just giving you a cancerAIDS hybrid through an apple you finished eating, life shits all over you whenever it wants.

Life shits all over fictional characters too. There ya go.


Profound Discharge #4 (Chris)

Working as a substitute yesterday, I got time to reflect on one of the most satisfying dumps one can engage in. It may not top the open-door-jamming-to-tunes dump in overall quality, but it does provide its own unique sense of relief and accomplishment. I am talking, of course, of the forced express dump.
When you’re crunched for time but really need to clear the loading docks, a sort of panic can set in. This is especially true for teachers. The time afforded between classes in minimal, and sometimes you can’t just wait for that free period. You have to make a dash between classes and hope for the best.

While sitting to expel your brown matter in this particular case, there are always the panicked thoughts of “Will I make it?!” going through your head, as well as what the consequences of taking too long could be. Trying to remain calm is much easier said than done. As such, managing to get in, get unloaded, get clean, and get out in that 3-4 minute span brings about a sense of satisfaction that will brighten your mood for the remainder of the day.

Unlike the open door dump, which is easy to pull off given the right circumstances, the forced express dump is a dangerous game, so I cannot in good conscience go ahead and recommend trying it. However, should you find yourself in that precarious position, remember the satisfaction of completing the task at hand.


Monday, March 15, 2010

Profound Discharge #3 (Dan)

These are the things I think of when I'm drunk and on the can:

What if...

Mastodon are the new Metallica?
Lamb Of God the new Slayer?
Kings Of Leon the new Allman Brothers?
Jimmy Eat World the new Sunny Day Real Estate?
Muse the new Yes? (well nowadays they are)
Chevelle the new Helmet?
[insert indie band popular this month] the new Pavement?
[insert indie band popular this month] the new Wilco?
[insert indie band popular this month] the new My Morning Jacket?
[insert indie band popular this month] the new Talking Heads?
Dizzee Rascal the new Mos Def?
Pineapple Express the new Half Baked?
Wet Hot American Summer the new The Jerk?
Hot Rod the new Billy Madison?
Pirana 3-D the new Troll 2? (pfft- like that'll happen)
Pixar the new Pixar?
The Bourne series the new Die Hard?
[insert every other sci-fi movie from this decade] the new Blade Runner?
The Notebook the new Doctor Zhivago? (shut up- I love both of those movies)
Dave Chappelle's Killin' 'Em Softly the new Eddie Murphey: Delirious?
The Inbetweeners the new Freaks & Geeks? (yes, but it's British)
Glee the next...oh who the fuck am I kidding?

Let me know what you think. I gotta poop again.


Sunday, March 14, 2010

Profound Discharge #2 (Chris)

I am more than willing to admit that I am lazier than most. Far lazier, perhaps, would be a more accurate descriptor. As such, there are times when I really just don’t feel like taking a dump. Chief among these times is when a really rockin’ tune comes on. No, I’m not talking about the latest Ciara single. No one cares. I’m talking about timeless classics. All you really want to do is lean back and rock the hell out, but you’ve got last night’s dinner ready to get the hell out of Dodge.

For anyone, this could be a major problem. Especially for those of us who are too poor or too stupid to live on our own. For one disparaging collegian, the number of times a good song has been interrupted for a bowel evacuation is nigh uncountable (I ran out of fingers). However, times like this upcoming week provide a unique opportunity. The college is on spring break, but I didn’t head home. Oh no, not me. I plan on taking full advantage of the opportunity that I no longer have to close the door. Not only do I get a solid crosswind to take care of the stink (this can only go so far), but I can continue to rock out without having to worry about disturbing anyone else. It’s like rocking out with your cock out, except instead of a penis, it’s your own meadow muffin. Next time you’re feeling a big one, get everyone else in your general vicinity to go to a nearby park or something and try this magic. It’ll calm your soul.


Profound Discharge #1 (Dan)

So Chris and I were talking about how great the movie Little Giants was back in the day. If you haven't seen it, it's about a ragtag pee-wee football team that overcome incredible (and hilarious) obstacles to defeat their seemingly bigger, stronger rivals, the Cowboys. The Little Giants also had a bratty tomboy named Becky "The Icebox" O'Shea as their fullback. She used to look like THIS. Now she looks like THIS.

The other movie that we thought of that was similar to Little Giants was The Replacements. It's virtually the same story except there's no girl that plays football. Instead, there are cheerleaders doing stripper dances and Keanu Reeves being frequently yelled at by Gene Hackman.

The more we compared the two movies, the more we found they had in common: similar story, similar coaches, similar character stereotypes, etc. Then we realized...

The Little Giants grew up to be The Replacements.
Once you've let that thought sink in, feel free to do your best Keanu Reeves "whoa" impression.